Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Which hurts more?

Thinking you should hate him or knowing you never can?

That's the question I'm pondering tonight.

It started over 3 years ago on April 29, 2007. The end of my junior year of high school. The smart, dark, swimming star, foreign guy had FINALLY caught on to the fact that me (prissy, whiter than fresh fallen snow, editor of the school paper, and American as apple pie) LIKED him. I had seen past his skin color. Past his ethnicity. Past the strange name. I had caught his heart and he wasn't about to let me go. It all came down to the simple question posed on a picnic table outside during afterprom: Will you be my girlfriend? I said yes without thinking twice. And I never looked back. Not thoroughly, at least. Until now.

Oh, he promised me the world. Just like the boys always do when they're barely 17 and hardly know what they want out of their life. But I fell for it. Just like girls at 17 always do. Junior year quickly came to an end but our romance sure didn't. Every weekend that summer we saw each other. We would go to movies (Name any blockbuster movie from Summer 2007 and we saw it) hold hands in the park, go for icecream or fancy dinners (i.e. Applebee's) and just revel in the delights of a first love. We learned that both our home lives were NOT perfect but still we held on.

Senior year FLEW by. Dates, homework, kissing, homecoming, football games, more kissing, our first Christmas together, more than kissing, my birthday, homecoming again, Valentine's day, even more than kissing, our anniversary, a lot more than kissing, prom, and finally graduation. We might have studied in between all of that, too. I don't really remember. Through all of that, we managed to stay strong. Managed to outlast everyone who said we were the most unlikely pair to ever wind up together.We brought them around to our way of thinking in the end because we were voted Couple of the Year in the senior magazine and the year book. It might not seem like much now, but at the time we were on top of the world. Our at least...our world. We managed to outlast our crazy parents. We had serious talks about our future. College, marriage, kids...we wanted it all.

Summer 2008 was just as wonderful. Time spent talking, laughing, getting to know each other even more. I moved out of my house during a very stressful week and he was there right along with me. Encouraging me, telling me everything was going to be okay...and it was for awhile.

November, 19 2008. Four car pile up. His parents told him he needed to take a break from me. So he tried. And broke my heart in the process. We stayed apart for maybe a week and then we started seeing each other secretly...still celebrating our anniversaries, still being together...even if it wasn't official anymore.

I'm 20 now. It's 2010. We're still together, but we haven't been official for a very long time. Oh, we tell other people we have someone we love...but I can't remember the last time we talked about marriage. The last time we went out in public. The last time he came to my sister's house for dinner. Or even the last time we took a picture together. It's all done in the quiet of my apartment or in the darkness of a movie theatre. We get angry and we'll tell each other we never want to see each other again...until 2 days later when he's back at my door...saying all the right things or making all the right moves. See, it's been 3 years since he first asked me out...we know each other's weaknesses. He knows how to make me give to make me melt. And I could do the same to him if I needed to...but I never do.

I never do...because it's always on his terms. He decides when we'll go on the dates...when we'll share the bed...when we'll have dinner because it's HIS parents that don't approve, his family that he needs to think about first. I have my own apartment...I don't have to worry about making sure I'm home on time or having to lie about where I'm going. I've put up with this for a long time, but it's FINALLY starting to get old.

I'm 20 years old now. I want to start thinking about a future...about marriage and kids. Oh man, I want kids SO bad. But he's content to just go on living at home...seeing me maybe twice a long as he gets what he wants at the end of the day, that's all that matters. I'm tired of living my life on HIS terms.

But I know I'll never end it. Everytime I think about telling him I want to end this for good this stomach gets twisted and I feel like puking. The thing is...I can no longer tell if it's because: A. I still love him or B. I'm afraid that no one will ever love me again.

I don't think I'm happy anymore...but I also don't know if I can be happy with anyone but him. I don't think I want to be with him anymore...but I don't know if I can be with anyone BUT him...and I definitely DON'T want anyone else to be with HIM.

It would be so much easier if I could just hate him. I mean, after all...our relationship hasn't always been peaches and cream. There's been lies...and fights. I've left him...he's left me. Maybe it's just not meant to be. How am I supposed to know anymore. And how in the world am I supposed to give my heart to someone else if he still has it so tight?

He's been in his home country since May. He'll be at the airport in less than 24 hours. Of course, I won't be able to see him until HE decides he wants to come over. But for once, I think that's okay...because I still don't know what to say. Email him and break it off before he even gets a chance? Invest my heart AGAIN and see where it leads? Go out with other guys and keep him as my backup...because I know he'll always be here? I need to know...HOW DO I LET GO?

I have no idea what I'm going to do and IF I do break it off for good...I won't sit here and lie to you...say I'm doing okay while I'm really sitting at the computer crying over a tub of icecream. It's gonna suck, I know from experience. But if I also do let him go....I know it has to be good for this time. No contact at all. Ever. I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I'm strong enough to live without him...even tho I'm pretty damn sure that I WANT to. That's only my head talking tho. How do you get your head and heart thinking the same way? Just because I know what's right in my head doesn't mean I'm gonna fill it in my heart.

So...with his plane landing in less than 24 hours, I'm still sitting here pondering the question: Which hurts worse? Thinking I should hate him? Or knowing I never can?

*I know one is even reading this so I'm not going to bother apologizing for the length. And if you are reading, you probably didn't even get this it doesn't really matter*

Is it true love or is it time to let go? (picture from summer 2008)

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