Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Update (or lack-of)

No one reads this but it's soothing for me, I suppose.
Still working, still on the fence of moving, still working it out with the ex, still getting thru issues from the past year...still chugging along. That's all I'm asking for right now.

Monday, September 6, 2010

How To Save A Life

My cat saved my life.
It was the very beginning of November 2009. My sister and I had just had a HUGE fight and I didn't know when (or if ever) I would talk to her again. I wasn't speaking to my parents either. And R* had just left for an extended vacation in Hawaii (long story).The only people I had left were my friends. And let's face it, they're great, but they can't always fill the holes in a person's heart. Needless to say, I was lonely. Very lonely. So I did something I always said I never would: I got a cat.

He was free, found in the pets section of Craigslist. At the time, I was living in a very small studio apartment so they day I brought him home, I was severely regretting it (shhh! don't tell him!) thinking there was NO WAY I could take care of this cat when I could barely hold myself together. Things were bad in my personal life and my health wasn't that great at the time either. But, a week later, I was in love. His name is Harley and he's my baby.

Harley got me through some of THE hardest months of my LIFE. When I was laying sick in bed, thinking I was gonna die....he's the one who got me up....because he needed to be fed, or his box changed, or he just wanted to play. I actually had a reason to get out of bed now when I didn't before. When I'd had a long day or I just wanted to come home and cry because once again, my sister still hadn't called....he was there...curling up on my lap or giving me kisses. No, he's not always a perfect angel....he can be a little devil...when he plays, he'll bite your arm if you let him. But at the end of the day, when everything goes wrong or even when it goes right...he's there. Curling right up against me when I go to sleep.

Yes, eventually things got better. My sister called me and we finally got everything worked out. Now, we're closer than ever. I don't always get along with my parents, but we're working on it for the first time in at least 2 years. R came back from Hawaii, and obviously it didn't work out...but Harley helped me thru that too. My health got better and I'm finally feeling like myself again. Aside from that one moment of panic, I've never looked back. He's the love of my life, the only guy for me....and anybody who's mean to him gets kicked out. You think I'm joking. I'm not.

My cat saved my life, hands down. People laugh at me sometimes. They'll tell me "he's just a cat." Or they'll say, "you're a little too obsessed." But they just don't understand.

*Name abbreviated to protect the guilty.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

A Change of Pace

My sister and her family want to move to Colorado after the new year. My best friend is talking about moving to Wisconsin next year. My brother is constantly asking me to move to Kansas City. My ex boyfriend couldn't stay in one town for more than 2 months before he started feeling the itch again. This is something I've never been able to understand. What's wrong with Kansas? It's always been good to me. I grew up here, I know how to get everywhere, I know the best restaurants, the best parks. The safest parts of town and the parts to stay away from. But....if my sister and my best friend leave...I'll be stuck here. With my parents who I don't really get along with and my other sister...who I don't really get along with either. Yes, of course, I've been asked to move to Colorado as well. But...should I? Should I give up the government job I waited 4 months for? Walk away from the only life I've EVER known? Or should I wait until my lease is up next July and move to Colorado then? Or maybe not at all...maybe just Kansas City? That's no so drastic for someone with no kids, right? I don't know what to do....and the longer I take to decide, the faster this year seems to be slipping away. It's already September. It seems like I just bought Christmas presents a month ago. It's time to start figuring life out....it's not going to wait on me to get on my feet.

Yes, Kansas, you've always been good to me....but maybe it's time for a change.

Thursday, September 2, 2010


I'm glad I never lived next to the water,
So I could never get used to the beach.
And I'm glad I never grew up on a mountain,
To figure out how high the world could reach.

I love the miles between me and the city,
Where I quietly imagine the streets.
And I'm glad I'm only picturing the moment,
I'm glad he never fell in love with me.

For some the world's a treasure to discover,
and their scenery never stays the same.
And they're trading in their dreams for explanations,
All in an attempt to entertain.

But I love the miles between me and the city,
Where I quietly imagine the streets.
And I'm glad I'm only picturing the moment,
I'm glad he never fell in love with me.

The trick of love is to never let it find you.
It's easy to get over missing out.
I know the hows and whens, but now and then,
He's all I think about.

I wonder how it feels to be famous,
But wonder is as far as I'll go.
Because I'd probably lose myself in all the pictures,
And end up being someone I don't know.

So it's probably best I stay in Kansas,
Just dreaming of the world as it should be.
Where everyday is a battle to convince myself,
I'm glad he never fell in love with me.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A New Life?

I have two dates this week. And not with who you think. I'm so proud of me.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Stay Gone

"When we try to make it work, we both end up hurt. Love ain't supposed to be that way, and I know everything's gonna be okay...if you just stay gone."

Every morning that I wake up and he still hasn't bothered to come by...it gets easier to imagine my future without him. Now, if he'll just stay gone, maybe I'll finally let go for good. I guess only time will tell.

Friday, August 6, 2010

What's it matter?

When I was a junior in high school, three fellow students passed away, as well as a former vice principal. After I graduated and as the months went on, every once in a while I would hear again about another Falcon that had been taken from us.

Earlier this year, the football coach's 13 year old daughter was killed in a car accident. My twin nieces are 14. This morning, a boy, class of 2010 was killed in a car accident on the turnpike. I might have been 2 years older but he's still alumni just like me and it still makes me very sad. He left behind a family...and his high school sweetheart. That's the part that's getting me...the part that's making me well up every time this accident crosses my mind.

Here I am, complaining that things didn't work out with my high school boyfriend...and this girl just lost hers. She didn't even get the CHANCE to see if things would work out with hers. Now, all she'll have is a list of what if's? Even bigger my list.

It didn't work out with him,  but at least I didn't lose him in a tragic accident. At least God gave us a chance. I should let go, should remember all the good times and thank my lucky stars that nothing tragic happened. I'm going to move on. I'm going to let MYSELF go of him. It's time. I can't forget our past, but I can move on. It's time. Life's too short to be held back by memories and what ifs.