Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Update (or lack-of)

No one reads this but it's soothing for me, I suppose.
Still working, still on the fence of moving, still working it out with the ex, still getting thru issues from the past year...still chugging along. That's all I'm asking for right now.

Monday, September 6, 2010

How To Save A Life

My cat saved my life.
It was the very beginning of November 2009. My sister and I had just had a HUGE fight and I didn't know when (or if ever) I would talk to her again. I wasn't speaking to my parents either. And R* had just left for an extended vacation in Hawaii (long story).The only people I had left were my friends. And let's face it, they're great, but they can't always fill the holes in a person's heart. Needless to say, I was lonely. Very lonely. So I did something I always said I never would: I got a cat.

He was free, found in the pets section of Craigslist. At the time, I was living in a very small studio apartment so they day I brought him home, I was severely regretting it (shhh! don't tell him!) thinking there was NO WAY I could take care of this cat when I could barely hold myself together. Things were bad in my personal life and my health wasn't that great at the time either. But, a week later, I was in love. His name is Harley and he's my baby.

Harley got me through some of THE hardest months of my LIFE. When I was laying sick in bed, thinking I was gonna die....he's the one who got me up....because he needed to be fed, or his box changed, or he just wanted to play. I actually had a reason to get out of bed now when I didn't before. When I'd had a long day or I just wanted to come home and cry because once again, my sister still hadn't called....he was there...curling up on my lap or giving me kisses. No, he's not always a perfect angel....he can be a little devil...when he plays, he'll bite your arm if you let him. But at the end of the day, when everything goes wrong or even when it goes right...he's there. Curling right up against me when I go to sleep.

Yes, eventually things got better. My sister called me and we finally got everything worked out. Now, we're closer than ever. I don't always get along with my parents, but we're working on it for the first time in at least 2 years. R came back from Hawaii, and obviously it didn't work out...but Harley helped me thru that too. My health got better and I'm finally feeling like myself again. Aside from that one moment of panic, I've never looked back. He's the love of my life, the only guy for me....and anybody who's mean to him gets kicked out. You think I'm joking. I'm not.

My cat saved my life, hands down. People laugh at me sometimes. They'll tell me "he's just a cat." Or they'll say, "you're a little too obsessed." But they just don't understand.

*Name abbreviated to protect the guilty.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

A Change of Pace

My sister and her family want to move to Colorado after the new year. My best friend is talking about moving to Wisconsin next year. My brother is constantly asking me to move to Kansas City. My ex boyfriend couldn't stay in one town for more than 2 months before he started feeling the itch again. This is something I've never been able to understand. What's wrong with Kansas? It's always been good to me. I grew up here, I know how to get everywhere, I know the best restaurants, the best parks. The safest parts of town and the parts to stay away from. But....if my sister and my best friend leave...I'll be stuck here. With my parents who I don't really get along with and my other sister...who I don't really get along with either. Yes, of course, I've been asked to move to Colorado as well. But...should I? Should I give up the government job I waited 4 months for? Walk away from the only life I've EVER known? Or should I wait until my lease is up next July and move to Colorado then? Or maybe not at all...maybe just Kansas City? That's no so drastic for someone with no kids, right? I don't know what to do....and the longer I take to decide, the faster this year seems to be slipping away. It's already September. It seems like I just bought Christmas presents a month ago. It's time to start figuring life out....it's not going to wait on me to get on my feet.

Yes, Kansas, you've always been good to me....but maybe it's time for a change.

Thursday, September 2, 2010


I'm glad I never lived next to the water,
So I could never get used to the beach.
And I'm glad I never grew up on a mountain,
To figure out how high the world could reach.

I love the miles between me and the city,
Where I quietly imagine the streets.
And I'm glad I'm only picturing the moment,
I'm glad he never fell in love with me.

For some the world's a treasure to discover,
and their scenery never stays the same.
And they're trading in their dreams for explanations,
All in an attempt to entertain.

But I love the miles between me and the city,
Where I quietly imagine the streets.
And I'm glad I'm only picturing the moment,
I'm glad he never fell in love with me.

The trick of love is to never let it find you.
It's easy to get over missing out.
I know the hows and whens, but now and then,
He's all I think about.

I wonder how it feels to be famous,
But wonder is as far as I'll go.
Because I'd probably lose myself in all the pictures,
And end up being someone I don't know.

So it's probably best I stay in Kansas,
Just dreaming of the world as it should be.
Where everyday is a battle to convince myself,
I'm glad he never fell in love with me.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A New Life?

I have two dates this week. And not with who you think. I'm so proud of me.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Stay Gone

"When we try to make it work, we both end up hurt. Love ain't supposed to be that way, and I know everything's gonna be okay...if you just stay gone."

Every morning that I wake up and he still hasn't bothered to come by...it gets easier to imagine my future without him. Now, if he'll just stay gone, maybe I'll finally let go for good. I guess only time will tell.

Friday, August 6, 2010

What's it matter?

When I was a junior in high school, three fellow students passed away, as well as a former vice principal. After I graduated and as the months went on, every once in a while I would hear again about another Falcon that had been taken from us.

Earlier this year, the football coach's 13 year old daughter was killed in a car accident. My twin nieces are 14. This morning, a boy, class of 2010 was killed in a car accident on the turnpike. I might have been 2 years older but he's still alumni just like me and it still makes me very sad. He left behind a family...and his high school sweetheart. That's the part that's getting me...the part that's making me well up every time this accident crosses my mind.

Here I am, complaining that things didn't work out with my high school boyfriend...and this girl just lost hers. She didn't even get the CHANCE to see if things would work out with hers. Now, all she'll have is a list of what if's? Even bigger my list.

It didn't work out with him,  but at least I didn't lose him in a tragic accident. At least God gave us a chance. I should let go, should remember all the good times and thank my lucky stars that nothing tragic happened. I'm going to move on. I'm going to let MYSELF go of him. It's time. I can't forget our past, but I can move on. It's time. Life's too short to be held back by memories and what ifs.

Fear of leaving...

...ain't no reason to stay.

"I'd be lying, saying I ain't afraid,
but fear of leaving ain't no reason to stay.
So bring it on,
'cause I won't be lonely long."

What if I just didn't email him back? If I just stopped talking to him and didn't ask him to come over? I've gotta stop being afraid to move on. Gotta stop being afraid that I'll never find anyone else. I know God has a plan for me and it's better than anything I can come up with. I only need three things to get through my days: my family, God, and my cat. I already have all three. Right here. So why can't I just say goodbye?

Thursday, August 5, 2010

My first blogging contest!

I'm taking a break from the woes of my love life to participate in my very first blogging contest!! It's a give away for Curly Girl Design! http://curlygirldesign.com

I first discovered Curly Girl when I bought my calendar for 2010. See, I'm a girly girl (my apartment is pink!) and I love quotes...I love how they can describe what's going on in my life even when I can't. I have a journal FULL of them. I noticed right away that this calendar was also full of inspiring and funny quotes...so I bought it! Not until about a month ago when I was moving (again) did I start to wonder just how big the Curly Girl brand was! So...I did the most logical thing. I searched facebook. After that, it wasn't hard to find the fan page and after that...the official website. Which I am now in love with. I have looked up stores in my area that sell Curly Girl and already gone to a couple of them!

Since I have discovered the official website, I have also discovered some new favorite quotes and now have a Curly Girl section in my journal! Here are some of my new favorites:

"Home is where you hang your heels up." ~I want this wall hanging!
"Life is tough I recommend getting a manicure and a really cute helmet." ~Is that really all it takes?
and my absolute favorite:
"Any given moment can change your life. You just have to be there."

Thank you Curly Girl, for having the words to describe my life when I can't.


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Which hurts more?

Thinking you should hate him or knowing you never can?

That's the question I'm pondering tonight.

It started over 3 years ago on April 29, 2007. The end of my junior year of high school. The smart, dark, swimming star, foreign guy had FINALLY caught on to the fact that me (prissy, whiter than fresh fallen snow, editor of the school paper, and American as apple pie) LIKED him. I had seen past his skin color. Past his ethnicity. Past the strange name. I had caught his heart and he wasn't about to let me go. It all came down to the simple question posed on a picnic table outside during afterprom: Will you be my girlfriend? I said yes without thinking twice. And I never looked back. Not thoroughly, at least. Until now.

Oh, he promised me the world. Just like the boys always do when they're barely 17 and hardly know what they want out of their life. But I fell for it. Just like girls at 17 always do. Junior year quickly came to an end but our romance sure didn't. Every weekend that summer we saw each other. We would go to movies (Name any blockbuster movie from Summer 2007 and we saw it) hold hands in the park, go for icecream or fancy dinners (i.e. Applebee's) and just revel in the delights of a first love. We learned that both our home lives were NOT perfect but still we held on.

Senior year FLEW by. Dates, homework, kissing, homecoming, football games, more kissing, our first Christmas together, more than kissing, my birthday, homecoming again, Valentine's day, even more than kissing, our anniversary, a lot more than kissing, prom, and finally graduation. We might have studied in between all of that, too. I don't really remember. Through all of that, we managed to stay strong. Managed to outlast everyone who said we were the most unlikely pair to ever wind up together.We brought them around to our way of thinking in the end because we were voted Couple of the Year in the senior magazine and the year book. It might not seem like much now, but at the time we were on top of the world. Our at least...our world. We managed to outlast our crazy parents. We had serious talks about our future. College, marriage, kids...we wanted it all.

Summer 2008 was just as wonderful. Time spent talking, laughing, getting to know each other even more. I moved out of my house during a very stressful week and he was there right along with me. Encouraging me, telling me everything was going to be okay...and it was for awhile.

November, 19 2008. Four car pile up. His parents told him he needed to take a break from me. So he tried. And broke my heart in the process. We stayed apart for maybe a week and then we started seeing each other secretly...still celebrating our anniversaries, still being together...even if it wasn't official anymore.

I'm 20 now. It's 2010. We're still together, but we haven't been official for a very long time. Oh, we tell other people we have someone we love...but I can't remember the last time we talked about marriage. The last time we went out in public. The last time he came to my sister's house for dinner. Or even the last time we took a picture together. It's all done in the quiet of my apartment or in the darkness of a movie theatre. We get angry and we'll tell each other we never want to see each other again...until 2 days later when he's back at my door...saying all the right things or making all the right moves. See, it's been 3 years since he first asked me out...we know each other's weaknesses. He knows how to make me give in...how to make me melt. And I could do the same to him if I needed to...but I never do.

I never do...because it's always on his terms. He decides when we'll go on the dates...when we'll share the bed...when we'll have dinner because it's HIS parents that don't approve, his family that he needs to think about first. I have my own apartment...I don't have to worry about making sure I'm home on time or having to lie about where I'm going. I've put up with this for a long time, but it's FINALLY starting to get old.

I'm 20 years old now. I want to start thinking about a future...about marriage and kids. Oh man, I want kids SO bad. But he's content to just go on living at home...seeing me maybe twice a week...as long as he gets what he wants at the end of the day, that's all that matters. I'm tired of living my life on HIS terms.

But I know I'll never end it. Everytime I think about telling him I want to end this for good this time...my stomach gets twisted and I feel like puking. The thing is...I can no longer tell if it's because: A. I still love him or B. I'm afraid that no one will ever love me again.

I don't think I'm happy anymore...but I also don't know if I can be happy with anyone but him. I don't think I want to be with him anymore...but I don't know if I can be with anyone BUT him...and I definitely DON'T want anyone else to be with HIM.

It would be so much easier if I could just hate him. I mean, after all...our relationship hasn't always been peaches and cream. There's been lies...and fights. I've left him...he's left me. Maybe it's just not meant to be. How am I supposed to know anymore. And how in the world am I supposed to give my heart to someone else if he still has it so tight?

He's been in his home country since May. He'll be at the airport in less than 24 hours. Of course, I won't be able to see him until HE decides he wants to come over. But for once, I think that's okay...because I still don't know what to say. Email him and break it off before he even gets a chance? Invest my heart AGAIN and see where it leads? Go out with other guys and keep him as my backup...because I know he'll always be here? I need to know...HOW DO I LET GO?

I have no idea what I'm going to do and IF I do break it off for good...I won't sit here and lie to you...say I'm doing okay while I'm really sitting at the computer crying over a tub of icecream. It's gonna suck, I know from experience. But if I also do let him go....I know it has to be good for this time. No contact at all. Ever. I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I'm strong enough to live without him...even tho I'm pretty damn sure that I WANT to. That's only my head talking tho. How do you get your head and heart thinking the same way? Just because I know what's right in my head doesn't mean I'm gonna fill it in my heart.

So...with his plane landing in less than 24 hours, I'm still sitting here pondering the question: Which hurts worse? Thinking I should hate him? Or knowing I never can?

*I know one is even reading this so I'm not going to bother apologizing for the length. And if you are reading, you probably didn't even get this far...so it doesn't really matter*

Is it true love or is it time to let go? (picture from summer 2008)

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Learning to let go

How do you give your heart to someone new if the last person hasn't even given it back yet? How do you let go?